follow your plan, not your mood

a post about locking in long term and being alone

maybe it was realising i turn 27 this year, maybe it was the endless scroll through mediocre jobs, of which none i wanted to apply for but had to because i needed to make some money and fast. maybe it was moving back in with my parents and realising i can’t afford anything else. how will i afford anything else? i don’t have a degree or experience in anything noteworthy, i had never even given much thought to what kind of career i would want. it was always just have as much fun as i can because i could die any day.

i have always followed my mood. i have always been a ‘fuck it, do it for the plot’ kind of person, this attitude has allowed me to bank some amazing experiences and stories of my early adult life. but my life has always been lived without much of a thought for the future.

but then recently i realised i had a vision for my future and no idea how to obtain it. there were things that i wanted in this vision of my future that required me to make a decent income (literally all i want is my dream house, but in this economy that's asking for a LOT).

i also had this epiphany regarding my future relationship status, and there is a chance that i will be living my life without a partner, which means i need to be able to reach my goals on a one income plan. i want to buy my own house. mine.

i say there is a chance i’ll be living alone not because i think i am not worthy of love, the opposite actually. i have doubts of meeting someone worthy of my love.

but i’m not really supposed to say that though am i?

let me put it this way.

i love being alone. like love love love it. i am so comfortable in my own skin and in my own life when there is no one else infiltrating it with their needs and pessimism. this is very clearly a reflection of the previous relationships i’ve been in but nevertheless i am rarely proven wrong.

truly though, i would rather live the rest of my life alone than in the confines of a subpar relationship with a man who thinks he knows me.

i am an ever evolving being, trying on new skins to fit the latest version of myself. having someone there holding me to past versions of myself is limiting my own growth.

look, take this all with a grain of salt. i know there are good relationships out there, i’ve seen them. some of my friends are living the good relationship life and i count my lucky stars that they are because if we were all failing at it then boy would it really be grim out here.

i’ve contradicted myself here and followed my mood because the plan of this piece definitely wasn’t to discuss my relationships status.

so what is my plan?

well if you couldn’t guess by now i’ve decided to put the ‘do it for the plot’ attitude on hold for a moment and work on building a career. which i’m actually very excited about. i’ve enrolled in university, i’m living at home with my family (thankfully in a studio out the back), and saving what little money i do make to hopefully do an international internship in the coming years and go on some small holidays.

although with making a long term commitment like this comes doubts and all it takes is to see someone's post about living or travelling abroad and i start to second guess myself, ‘why aren’t i doing that again?’ but those things are always going to be an option. right now i need to sit my ass down and work hard on the foundations for the life i want my future to look like.

and honestly i’m proud of myself for being where i am right in this moment.